I’m not here to make you like me.
I’m here to show you what I want you to see.

06/04/06

I’ve been fairly lucky I guess,

But I wonder where my luck will run out?

The Grand Canyon?

The Rio Carnival?

The Great Barrier Reef?

Iceland’s Blue lagoon?

Mexico City?

Against New York’s Manhattan skyline?

Under Berlin’s Reichstadt or Brandenburg Gate?

On Thailand’s beaches?

In Tokyo at night?

In the Brazilian rain forest?

During a game of Roulette in Las Vegas?

Skiing in Alaska?

At Christmas in the Swiss Alps?

During Passover in Tel Aviv?

Late summer in Dublin?

In the shadow of Goudi’s Barcelona?

In the olive groves of Tuscany?

Between the pillars of Rome’s Coliseums?

Boating in Monaco?

In the middle of the film festival in Cannes?

Lying on my back sunbathing in St.Tropez?

Or the Caribbean?

Flying over the Sahara Desert?

On an iceberg in the Antarctic?

At the edge of Loch Ness?

Outside a club in Ibiza?

Shopping in Dubai?

Selling in Shanghai?

Lion spotting in Kenya?

At New Year in Sydney?

Soaked to the skin by the Niagara Falls?

In Hatfield???

In a studio in Bethnal Green???????????

11/04/06, 1am

Writing by moonlight in Luxor, boats sailing down the Nile, palm trees, Lucky Strikes, a swimming pool shimmering in the breeze, empty apartments, everyone in bed, not exactly warm, not exactly cold, not exactly here, not exactly there, not exactly sure what I’m supposed to be doing, thinking, being, other than whatever I have the guts to be next.

15/04/06 RANT

Some things are painful.
Especially change & difference.
As soon as you step outside of normality & familiar rhythms of life,
Your bones go out of joint.
Not used to lying down all day, relaxing, doing nothing,
spending most of the time half pissed & stoned,
you have to go through a period of realignment.
If it were to come in the form of a sudden ‘crunch’ then at least effect would easily be explainable by cause, but change can be a subtle fucker, silent, gradual, sneaking up on you almost unnoticed,
Even when it’s TOTAL.
The world keeps spinning,
Night time, daytime, night time, day time,
You think you’re funny,
That you know what’s what,
That you’ve gotten used to the pace & flow of the dialect I conjure,
But then things twist,
CRUNCH,
You think you know me,
You’re a caricature,
You’re so much part of everything that you’re almost nothing,
Name one thing that you do that’s never before been done?
Think hard, dig deep,
What you gonna be when you grow up?
Dyou think you’re beyond my influence?
You’re open minded enough only to find me, listen, read my words,
But I’m more than skin deep,
There’s a lot going on underneath,
And the stuff you know about me,
all the highs&lows, hot&cold,
The back catalogue & archive, that’s just what I show you,
What I put out & reveal of myself to all & sundry,
That’s not me,
Look,
I’m here, not image, hype, imagination, fantasy,
But a man in movement,
On the go, doing stuff, trying to get by.
I’ve fought real hard, I’ve struggled,
I have a level of understanding that is high & wide.
Yeah I’m older, less in touch with your young world,
But I burn & smoulder, spit & fizz,
I see the future, I live it,
I’m fast & fit & fucking resilient,
Nothing touches me when my heads down,
I slow myself down only to rest my feet,
Soak in some of your sunshine,
Research you, blend in,
But I’m not like you, try to compare yourself sure,
But dream-fucking-on,
Find a man that’s more than me,
That’s fought as hard & risked as much & understands the world like I do.
Yeah there’s different types, some prettier, heftier, funnier, richer, more chilled out,
But I’m as strong and intense as they come.
So dyou wonder what I might possibly need from you?
Why the hell I’d give up everything & put my life on the line, change myself,
Want to push you further, test your resilience, & dedication, want to spend time with you, give you chances, help you out, make you feel supported, listen to you, raise you up, believe in you, want you to be more than I am, give you my heart & soul?
Cos I choose to. Cos I can. Cos I can’t help myself.
Cos you capture my imagination & make me feel a better person.
Cos I’ve fallen headlong for you.

18/04/06

The sun god sleeps in the trees,

A million birds sing in disharmony,

Nike Town customers flinch at the shock waves,

Coins jangling in their pockets.

A whole section of a book detaches from its binding,

A girl in Spain hiccups,

Eyes & cheeks smarting from the sunshine,

Rain falls on a crisp packet,

Pitter pattering,

Vinegar sharp,

An upward draft of bodyheat rising to the stars,

Vultures & seagulls floating in circles,

Swimming in tears,

Amoeba like,

Fractal,

Chased around the periphery of her eye,

His hand trembles,

Ink seeping,

Wetting each letter,

Bristling,

Sweet to the taste,

Time for tea.

Flying round the bends of a rollercoaster,

A figure of 8 painted by tongue tip,

Easy

Hard

Beautiful

Impossible

Holding onto a single minute,

Reading the first & last chapters,

Then guessing the story in between.

The phone buzzes,

A man falls through the ice,

A punch lands against a jaw,

Throbbing with pain,

A lioness with the lions share,

Vacant faces stop & stare,

Popcorn & Pepsi,

Holding hands,

Joking over the book titles,

A star glimmering in a distant galaxy,

On fire,

On the surface,

Everything is cool.

23/04/06

i’ve been looking so hard,
nobody could have looked harder,
when looking wasn’t what was needed,
cos there’s nothing there i don’t already know.
yeah things feel different, intense, changed, new,
and everything is moving, passing by, distracting,
but its not me or mine to have,
i animate it only for as long i stand still to look,
it doesn’t exist without me,
or if it does it doesn’t matter or mean anything to me.
i know i’m a bit fucked up & disorientated,
grieving losses, creating losses,
but there’s only me, only what i hold on for, onto,
myspace, no-one elses.
there’s a time for looking & wanting more,
a time for wishing for change & difference & new experiences,
and then there is me,
and everything i already am, have, all i do,
all i feel & love & make happen,
and that’s the better part of looking.

25/04/06

shadow boxing thinking

in the hour of my

death it is you

i want to spend

my last hours

of life with

i love you

til my last warm

breath leaves me.

15/05/06

Don’t think about what’s bad for you:
Cigarettes and swimming
Broken hearts & flirtatious smiles
Everything is neither good or bad
It’s just there for you
To choose from & either enjoy
Or become sick over
Made better or worse
Pleasure or pain
Life or death
Now or never
Are all just diversions of attention:
A twig snapping beneath my feet might be all it takes to kill me,
Or it may instead be a lifetime of laughter & tears
Warm & cold hearts
My achievements & all my undoings.
Trust, Belief, Fulfilment:
Life’s not worth a copper coin without them
Close at hand, clinging on
Held at bay, an arms reach away.

Julian Roberts, April-May 2006